Update

Why does weird-ass shit always happen to me? So... I’m walking my dogs in the woods... trying to hurry cuz I got up last possible minute and I have to be in a meeting in less than an hour. Took a bit of a different route (1st Mistake) actually first mistake was not being prepared, I hadn’t taken my allergy med yet, I had no tissues and I just wore my house sweater for my “Quick” walk... 44 degrees. So, you’ll just have to imagine my cold runny nose throughout this ordeal. OK, so, I’m following Roger and Ted, who apparently want to go on a Australian sized “walk about” over the river and through the woods... I’m trying to catch up to them, and I feel this tugging... WTF, the arm of my sweater is stuck in a sticker bush/tree. I try to pull my arm, but get it stuck to my back too... I start pulling and struggling and realize I’m making it oh, so much worse. So I stop and take my time ripping each sticker out of my sweater...and just when I think I’m making progress... my hair gets stuck! Are you serious right now?! So first priority goes to getting my noggin out of the sticker monster... I slowed way down and pull each strand of hair back out of the bush and to it’s proper place. In the mean time, my sweater is more engaged with the sticker monster. So I take it off and try to tear it out of the stickers... just gets more stuck... at this point in my head, I’m putting “bring a knife into the woods with you” on my “to-do” list....meanwhile, Roger and Ted have returned to see what’s happened to their fearless leader...well guys, your mom is stuck to a sticker monster... they seem happy to sniff and pee around me. Anyway after much finagling, I get OUT... I proceed very delicately through the remainder of the monster patch... I see the street! We’re almost out of here... let me check my phone to see what time it is... F#$K ME. NO PHONE. I cannot believe a loving God would want me to go back in there... but here I goes! Back tracking my steps through the woods, towards the monster patch... not even sure if I’m back tracking correctly... hoping someone would call, but remember my phone is on mute... searching, searching... back to the scene of the crime... to THE Monster Sticker Bush, and don’t cha know that bitch had my phone at her feet... arrrggghhh... so I go in, oh so gingerly and get stuck in its lair again! I wanted to leave the phone, leave the sweater and just say, you win, I’ll get a new phone and sweater... but who would do that? No one. So, back in battle... pick up my phone, put it in the elastic band of my sweats, don’t want it falling out of my flimsy pocket again... now I’m stomping on these branches trying to get them to heal. I take off the sweater again and just rip it out of the bush. I finally get free and head home... missed the meeting, phone case is ripped, sweater is battered, and my hair is a tangled mess...but Roger and Ted had a great walk about!

Jen’s Long Ass Update April 27, 2010 October 27, 2010 at 9:06pm For those who have a minute...or 2. Apparently it’s time for an update…according to Pam. So, here goes… OK, work…Cubicle’s = H.E. L.L. How does one stay/become productive in this environment, I’ll never know. The only way I have managed to overcome this situation is to, 1- wear ear plugs, 2- wear an IPOD…does that make me rude? I don’t give a shit…it’s either, I’m a bit rude, or I’m going to jail for murder. I swear, I’ve never worked in this kind of situation. I am partitioned off from several others by a piece of cardboard. Every conversation, groan, sniffle, sneeze, cough, movement…etc, mine or theirs, is heard by all. I liken it to living in the dorms when I first came into the AF… back in the day; you had to pray/pay before you were permitted to live off base in your own home. I ask you, how do you make 2 grown strangers live in a 200 Sq Ft room together…it’ extremely uncomfortable, that’s how. So is trying to work in a cubicle environment…here’s my biggest beefs…typing. Have you ever had to sit and listen to other people typing? I don’t know what it is, but it bugs the shit outta me…here’s one of my cubby mates Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) on the keyboard. And, I’m sure you’ve all probably seen/heard these people…EXTREMELY ANNOYING. She ATTACKS the keyboard, not sure what it’s done to her, but she literally bangs away on it…and not only is she a banger, but she a clanger too…she has these nails in which she is using to type…every stroke…tap, tap, tap…bang bang bang, clang, clang, clang…and she fast as shit…so it’s like a freakin car crash on the other side of the partition daily. Makes me want to jump over there and tap, bang & clang the keyboard over her head. Jeese-o-pete, give the key board a break. The other guy, next to me, is the complete opposite, he’s a pecker (head) he’s the type that picks away one key at a time, one finger at a time, all the while watching exactly what he’s pecking. The thing is, OK, so you’re 65 and still can’t type…oh well, not your generation’s talent. However, after typing about 8-12 words, and this is all day long, every email, every document…looks at each and every key he types (slow as molasses) and he’s one of these hunched over mofo’s…so, after he types his obligatory 8-12 words, he raises his head, peers over his glasses and squints like a retard and pecks away at the back space bar and “erases” everything….and starts over….peck, peck, peck… I’m not sure if he made a mistake and doesn’t know how to put the cursor on the mistaken word, or if he disliked the entire sentence he just wrote, cuz he always backspacing to the beginning…WTF? How he gets anything done is beyond me…oh I know how, he’s my boss, I get all his work. Here’s the other thing, there are some people who actively listen to everything you do or say, how do I know this, cuz I can be on the phone with someone, answering a question, and the bimbo 4 cubby holes over says, “tell them I said, blah, blah, blah…” Seriously? Come on, there has got to be some etiquette rule she’s breaking…I know we can all hear each other, but aren’t you supposed to ignore it, kinda like if someone farts in church… Traffic. Holysheepshitbatman. It’s so bad, I’m numb. And people are r-tards when it comes to rules of the road, ESPECIALLY if you’re in a congested area, like Washington DC ! There are certain things one must do for the good of all mankind, for the love of GOD. K…here are my highly encouraged suggestions: 1. When you are making a left turn at a light, pull up to the middle of the intersection… all the way up! Let’s get 2 cars out there! This way if the light turns, at least you make it through, and hopefully the guy behind you pulled up to make it too, with this much traffic, you may not have a leisurely turn rate, you need to punch it when able…if all you have to do is turn, chances are, you are helping with the flow of traffic…if you sit behind the line, you need that much more time to pull into the intersection, and make your left hand turn. Chances are you are impeding the flow of traffic. Knock it off. 2. If you are at a red light, you can go right on red, unless the moron in front of you has completely blocked your path. If you are the lone person that needs to go straight through the light, pull up and OVER to the left, so us righty’s can GO, GO, GO!…a caveat to this, if you are making a left hand turn, pull over to the freaking left!! Why?? So we can get around your dumb left ass turning self. 3. If you see nothing but cars all around, bumper to bumper traffic, why does one feel the need to speed up and shove their car in front of me…do you think you’re going anywhere faster than the rest of us? All you did, was make me and everyone behind me, slam on our breaks while you shoved yourself into the allotted space I made between me and the car in front of me. You see, I’m not real comfortable tail gating, I know some of you are, I however, do not like it. But that doesn’t mean I left that much space between me and the guy in front of me because I want you to take it away. Now, I understand if we’re on the open highway, and you’re going faster than me and want to pass…by all means, cruise on by speed racer, but if you are just going to be one car ahead of me at the light for your trouble, come on, lay off and stay in line. 4. This wouldn’t be a proper bitch fest without commenting on distracted drivers…you’re out there, everywhere, you know who you are. You’re going to get yourself killed or you’re going to kill someone else. Neither option is cool. Stop it. Sleep apnea…if it weren’t for having this I’d probably be a nicer person, welll, maybe not nicer, but I’m guessing more patient, especially with road rage. Let’s see, what else? I’m going to the America concert at the Birchmere (supposedly world renowned theater) Friday night. Ya know, they sang/sing, “Sista Golden Hair Surprise,” “Horse with No Name,”…etc. Looking forward to that. I’m going to Valdosta for Ryne and Tommy’s high school graduation 22 May. Really, I’m going for the party the Vallely’s throw, I just put that out there cuz they put it out there as the reason for the Par-tay!. JK, very proud of the boys. My house is getting pretty settled…which says a LOT because “good service” and “customer satisfaction” are alien terms up here. Every single company that I’ve had to deal with, I’ve had issues with. Best buy, Direct TV, Merry Maids, Elite Deck Cleaners, Cox internet, Comcast TV, Verizon phone service, etc…If you have time, read the complaint letter below (one of many I sent out, how else they gonna learn?) … Since I continue to receive phones calls and e-mails about using Elite, I'm not sure if ya'll are aware of what happened.... I called on a Monday and discussed with a woman (raspy voice) that I wanted an estimate on cleaning/sealing my deck and patio, she gave me a "guess-timate" but said, "the guys will be in your neighborhood soon, leave your back gate open and I'll call and give you a actual estimate, so, I say, great, but can we go ahead and schedule this for Thursday, I'm taking off work that day to get other various jobs around the house done, and I wanted to get it all done in one day. She says no problem, she put me on the schedule...by Thursday morning, I still haven’t heard from anyone, so I call to get the actual estimate and a time frame of when to expect the cleaners. The girl on the phone says she knows nothing about me, and I'm not on the schedule...and that no one ever came to my house for an estimate...I'm pretty surprised about all this since I talked back and forth with the other woman several times about the scheduling and estimates and what not...anyway, the original woman calls me back, and I say, what happened? she says she doesn’t remember me or our conversation from 3 days ago...I was very incredulous that she didn’t remember giving me a guess-timate, telling me to leave my gate open (she had to call the guys first and then call me back about what day they could come) putting me on the schedule because I'm taking off work....etc. She asks me if I want to re-schedule, I tell her I'd have to think about it because if that’s the level of responsibility/service I can expect, I don’t think I want to do business with Elite cleaners...I mean really, would you? Anyway, that's what happened from my point of view, don’t know what happened on your end, so please take me off your mailing/calling list. I hired Enviro cleaners and the job is done. Thank you, Jennifer Smith I had a scare the other night that kept me up….my alarm system started buzzing, when I looked at the keypad, it said, "Basement door open," so, me being the paranoid schizophrenic that I am, I assume there's an intruder in my house and call 911...I stand outside on my back deck, in the rain with a blanket over my head, waiting for the police and watching the stairwell for my murderess intruder…well, the police come and dragnet my house, just to find my sliding glass door is leaking and the rain was dripping into the alarm sensor…which made it go off. So, now the police have my name and probably think I’m a spaz, oh well. Of course…just when I thought I had my “to do” list done on house issues…I have a leak…damitall….plus, my homeowners association left me a nasty-gram informing me that I have not kept the lamppost in front of my house in working order…if it’s not fixed, fines will be assessed! WEllll, excuse me…didn’t know I was in charge of the outside lampposts…gotta read those HOA documents! They are so verbose though…need a lawyer to decipher them. I hit my, “OH SHIT” moment. Outta shape, way outta shape. I went to a pilates/yoga/Tai Chi class. I was wondering who the fat chick in the mirror was…it was me. Hence the “OH SHIT” moment. It’s hard to deny you’re fat when you see it 360 degrees. I wonder what happened to people who are 200-300+ pounds, didn’t they get the “OH SHIT” message. Anyway, I joined a gym, bought a bunch of gym clothes and hired my very own Nazi trainer. 22 sessions. I hurt in all my fat parts, which essentially means: EVERYWHERE. I haven’t done this much exercise in a long time, all the usual excuses, herniated disk, bad knee, hung-over, old, tired, lazy. I was just waiting for my knee, my back, my hip…SOMETHING to give. Proud to say, I’m making it, slow as all hell, but I’m doin it! Wish me and my old fat ass good luck. Did a wine tour, who knew how inebriated one could get just by drinking tiny sips of wine all day!! (Actually, my friend Tracy knew) I’m here to tell ya, pretty damn inebriated!! I worked with the Secret Service for the Nuclear Security Summit …I asked them what their secret was, and did they know Victoria ’s? They didn’t think I was so funny. Excuse me, Mr. Secret Service man. Well, folks, that’s my update. Take care everyone, love to hear from ya!~ jen in dc

Update

Friday, April 12, 2019

A walk in the woods....yeah right.

Why does crazy ass shit always happen to me...?

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Jen’s Long Ass Update April 27, 2010