A walk in the woods....yeah right.

Why does weird-ass shit always happen to me? So... I’m walking my dogs in the woods... trying to hurry cuz I got up last possible minute and I have to be in a meeting in less than an hour. Took a bit of a different route (1st Mistake) actually first mistake was not being prepared, I hadn’t taken my allergy med yet, I had no tissues and I just wore my house sweater for my “Quick” walk... 44 degrees. So, you’ll just have to imagine my cold runny nose throughout this ordeal. OK, so, I’m following Roger and Ted, who apparently want to go on a Australian sized “walk about” over the river and through the woods... I’m trying to catch up to them, and I feel this tugging... WTF, the arm of my sweater is stuck in a sticker bush/tree. I try to pull my arm, but get it stuck to my back too... I start pulling and struggling and realize I’m making it oh, so much worse. So I stop and take my time ripping each sticker out of my sweater...and just when I think I’m making progress... my hair gets stuck! Are you serious right now?! So first priority goes to getting my noggin out of the sticker monster... I slowed way down and pull each strand of hair back out of the bush and to it’s proper place. In the mean time, my sweater is more engaged with the sticker monster. So I take it off and try to tear it out of the stickers... just gets more stuck... at this point in my head, I’m putting “bring a knife into the woods with you” on my “to-do” list....meanwhile, Roger and Ted have returned to see what’s happened to their fearless leader...well guys, your mom is stuck to a sticker monster... they seem happy to sniff and pee around me. Anyway after much finagling, I get OUT... I proceed very delicately through the remainder of the monster patch... I see the street! We’re almost out of here... let me check my phone to see what time it is... F#$K ME. NO PHONE. I cannot believe a loving God would want me to go back in there... but here I goes! Back tracking my steps through the woods, towards the monster patch... not even sure if I’m back tracking correctly... hoping someone would call, but remember my phone is on mute... searching, searching... back to the scene of the crime... to THE Monster Sticker Bush, and don’t cha know that bitch had my phone at her feet... arrrggghhh... so I go in, oh so gingerly and get stuck in its lair again! I wanted to leave the phone, leave the sweater and just say, you win, I’ll get a new phone and sweater... but who would do that? No one. So, back in battle... pick up my phone, put it in the elastic band of my sweats, don’t want it falling out of my flimsy pocket again... now I’m stomping on these branches trying to get them to heal. I take off the sweater again and just rip it out of the bush. I finally get free and head home... missed the meeting, phone case is ripped, sweater is battered, and my hair is a tangled mess...but Roger and Ted had a great walk about!

Why does crazy ass shit always happen to me...?

UPDATE: My dad says I shouldn't cuss so much, please replace curse words with Fudge, Sheet and gosh dern... Holy shit ! so I had a wake the fuck up moment this morning. Roger and Ted started running around and barking like crazy ... I’m thinking there’s a goddamn intruder in the house! I jump outta bed and flip on my lights... no lights... oh! my! God! the motherfucker already cut my wires... no power and the batteries in one of my smoke detectors is beeping, it’s driving them absolutely batty... so I tipped toed downstairs just in case he’s lurking ...to find a damn flashlight. Of course the spot where I always keep one... there’s no flashlight... OK checks spot 2 no flashlight( or at least I can’t see the shit) spot three ... yes a Flashlight!! fuck it doesn’t work... i’m like all right karma what did I do this time...? May I please have a flashlight. Oh yeah I have a flashlight in my dog bag! But somehow this flashlight is stuck on the wires of the shelving in the coat closet... seriously..? And I can’t see what I’m doing... oh yeah my phone has a flashlight! So I get my phone flashlight to unhook my dog walk flashlight... I called dominion power ... there is a widespread power outage in my area... perfect 👌 ... no intruder... thanks karma! But you sure can be a little bitch when you want to... Edit