Why does crazy ass shit always happen to me...?

UPDATE: My dad says I shouldn't cuss so much, please replace curse words with Fudge, Sheet and gosh dern... Holy shit ! so I had a wake the fuck up moment this morning. Roger and Ted started running around and barking like crazy ... I’m thinking there’s a goddamn intruder in the house! I jump outta bed and flip on my lights... no lights... oh! my! God! the motherfucker already cut my wires... no power and the batteries in one of my smoke detectors is beeping, it’s driving them absolutely batty... so I tipped toed downstairs just in case he’s lurking ...to find a damn flashlight. Of course the spot where I always keep one... there’s no flashlight... OK checks spot 2 no flashlight( or at least I can’t see the shit) spot three ... yes a Flashlight!! fuck it doesn’t work... i’m like all right karma what did I do this time...? May I please have a flashlight. Oh yeah I have a flashlight in my dog bag! But somehow this flashlight is stuck on the wires of the shelving in the coat closet... seriously..? And I can’t see what I’m doing... oh yeah my phone has a flashlight! So I get my phone flashlight to unhook my dog walk flashlight... I called dominion power ... there is a widespread power outage in my area... perfect 👌 ... no intruder... thanks karma! But you sure can be a little bitch when you want to... Edit